You Rejoice. I Complain. You and I, We're The Same

People are so complicated. Can I get an amen? I never cease to learn more and more about them.

This semester has been a lot of me thinking about how people are thinking... which can getcha into a wicked swirly mess (in your head).

First of all, I've been completely blown away at how this "ignoring it" thing actually... Well, I can't say it works but it... Well, I always thought if you ignore a problem/situation/whatever then it'll eventually just explode inside of you. I'm always a "let't talk about this" and "let's solve it now" type girl. 

I've discovered that things WON'T just explode (Time heals all things.. blah blah).  They eat at you slowly, perhaps.. but you can really move on from it by ignoring it (let's not apply this to alcoholism or abuse, people).  I've always hated that "time heals all things".

I've made peace with the fact that things in life will never completely be OVER either. The fact is you just don't KNOW the future! I mean tomorrow I could run into my Kindergarten teacher and suddenly be her in-house chef or daughter's bridesmaid. Ya know? The possibilities are ENDLESS! That makes me feel much more comfortable with, "giving things time". 

What is one thing that is universal with humans? The want for love, right? (Okay, hunger, survival, biological functions...shhh). The search for love. God, spouse, parents, grandparents, friends. 

Okay, so shouldn't reading people be easier then? 

Second ponderation (What does that even mean... ? It's not what I think it means, I know that for sure), why can't people just LIVE? Why do we have to categorize and label stuff? I live by feeling. I live to share the good news of the Lord and to display it through my actions. I do not live to judge, talk, or categorize people. I just want to show you how I feel instead of find the correct and most concise word to describe what exactly I'm doing and WHEN I'm doing it.

I don't even know... 

We're all just the same, aren't we?

Slow Motion

Moments. That's all we are, really. Moments overlapped upon moments where we are forced to make decisions. Jump, don't jump. Help, don't help. Words drawn from within to create a cloud of morals, decisions and actions in which we are created as a person. Defined, so to speak. An ever-changing definition.

I remember my first few days at Longview. My first few days of college. While, at the time, I was upset with my choice to live at home and attend college, there is no doubt I was surrounded by something extraordinary. This undeniable... garden. It makes sense in my head. A place for growing and a place for surprises. I was open to it, for sure. And I changed a lot in that year and a half. I was forced to grow. just like I was forced to grow in Florida. These times are painful, like when you wake up in the middle of the night with growing pains... Moments. Only these are moments of pride, humility, laughter and the all important tears.  I think maybe every tear drop is a lesson learned and an all too important moment passed. 

Have you ever had a moment go by so slowly you notice every single detail? Maybe a whole day. You know it's important and it goes by just as it should. Slow. Almost going backwards but it's glorious?  I can recount every detail of a life changing moment. I could name the outfits of those people who made an impact on me. Describe the way his hair blew in the wind, the smell of the maple syrup, the flash of the lights. I can feel it as I speak of it. Being there and I can tell you my anxieties and triumphs. 

I'm excited for these moments this year. I know this year will be different--way different-- but I'm ready for that painful growing and that unmistakeable taste of uncertainty and freedom. 

I'm glad I have previous moments to hold onto. When I'm nervous or scared. When I'm uncomfortable or sad. I'll hang onto moments. I'll hang onto my first day at Longview,  Gymboree, Flagler, KC Cubbies and now Truman. Those days where I'm scared I won't live through them, but they are the best-worst days of my life. 

My mind is a web... in slow motion. :)

July 15th

My grandmother and grandfather were married 62 years. Does anyone else have a hard time fathoming 62 years? I'm only 21  (almost) years old and I can hardly fathom that. For part of our life it's like we're unconscious to the movement of time. We are children, unaware that life is slipping passed! It really is! It feels like I was a child yesterday, and today 21 years have gone by.

I never really stopped to think about my grandparents marriage. They've always been together, really. Grandma in her chair, and grandpa in his. Never really stopped to hug or love on each other but just together. They were married July 15, 1950. What a beautiful year 1950 seemed to be. All of the pictures I see are filled with grandma's half-laugh-half-smile and grandpa's mischievous grin and that unmistakeable gleam in his blue eyes.   They seemed to be having fun. Life was easy, relationships seemed easy. I'm sure that's wrong... relationships had to be the same and I'm sure life wasn't easy!

A lot of times, especially when grandpa got sick more and more he would never want to get out of the house. I was sad for grandma who seemed cooped up. She seems stir-crazy. Grandpa enjoyed sitting in this chair and looking at the beautiful view of the lake from his retirement home. I can't say I blame him anymore. What a long life he lived! Such a beautiful view can just suck you in, hold you captive and never let you go. Maybe while looking over the lake time stood still for him like it does when I look over St. Augustine's bay. For a minute, you are confused as to if it's 2012 or 1950.  Maybe that's what grandpa saw.

On July 15, 2012 grandma and grandpa went to church and to lunch for their anniversary. I don't know what went on during that morning but I do know they went to Red Lobster. I try to imagine what they said, how they acted. Maybe grandma held grandpa's hand at church. Maybe grandpa ordered for grandma. Maybe they joked about how much they hated the food, or enjoyed their meal whole-heartedly. I'll never know, but I'll always pretend.

When returning to their beautiful home that day, grandma dropped grandpa at the front door and went to park the car. That day we lost grandpa from our world.... Sitting where he'd always wanted to be, looking over the lake.. losing track of time, I'm sure.


I love you, grandpa. I already miss you and I wish I could have asked you more questions about your life.

Sarah

It's Not Stupidity. It's hope.

The point of growing up is to become as independent as possible, right? I don't think so.


The point of growing up is to become as realistic as possible, right? Hmm, noope.


The point of growing up is to become as tough as possible, right? No.


These things that we're taught are 'right' about growing up don't fit a round hole like we think they should. While normally these three characteristics are the normal outcomes of growing up, they aren't necessarily the point. I know that I aspire to be loving, dependent on God, and kind hearted everyday. 
 It is so hard for me to be away from my friends and  family. Harder than anything I've ever experienced. I am so dependent upon them. While I see this can become a bad thing, it's really not all bad. I've learned for sure that I value family and friends so much. And just because I chose family over logic doesn't mean I'm wrong. Logic has little place in the heart. 


If you know me at all, you know it's a struggle for me to do day to day things, like remember to switch over the laundry, remember to put my dishes away after I use them, and remember just to perhaps look in the mirror before I walk out the door. I am forgetful and in no way am I on top of things. I would forget my head if it wasn't attached. My friends from Longview spent most of the time telling me, "don't forget your purse, Sarah," and while it was concerning when people around campus could recognize my purse and return it to me, it was funny and gave me some hope for humanity. So do I believe realism is important? Yes, I strive everyday to stay real in my thinking, but as a creative and wondering person it's hard not to be a hopeless romantic in my life. I try and try with my friends. I never stop trying to mend relationships and never give up on old ideas (Like Flour Power!). While I mostly just love expressing my ideas to others and inspiring others, I've learned that silence sometimes is a good option. I don't have many people to talk with here and most of them are very unlike me. I've learned to bite my tongue slightly but never forget my passion for all things expressive. So I've got these romantic ideas about humanity and life in general but what do I do with them? I'm not exactly sure, but I know I am not less of a person because maybe my idea isn't as real as others. So am I trying and trying at things of the romantic nature and getting no response? Yes, but I hope that one day those people that I continue to bug will see that I have the best intentions, and I never gave up on them, just as God never gives up on us.

I am not strong. Nor do I have to learn to be. God will be my strength. God moves us to find strength in Him and not ourselves. This year God has spent some time teaching me this. When I first was driving to the hospital last September with my mother I knew I only had two feelings. Fear and disappointment. I kept telling myself, "I can do this. Sarah, you CAN do this," over and over, the more I said it the more scared I became. While driving home from the hospital I felt this same feeling. I wasn't out of the woods yet and still had a PICC line. I was shaking with more fear and as I was telling myself, "I can't do this," a song came on the radio. It was "Strong Enough" by Matthew West. The song goes like this: 




You must, You must think I’m strong
To give me what I’m going through
Well forgive me, forgive me if I’m wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own
I know I’m not strong enough to be

Everything that I’m supposed to be

I give up, I’m not strong enough

Hands of mercy won’t You cover me?

Lord, right now I’m asking You to be

Strong enough, strong enough

For the both of us

Well maybe, maybe that’s the point

To reach the point of giving up

‘Cause when I’m finally, finally at rock bottom

That’s when I start looking up

And reaching out

I know I’m not strong enough to be

Everything that I’m supposed to be

I give up, I’m not strong enough

Hands of mercy won’t You cover me?

Lord, right now I’m asking You to be

Strong enough, strong enough

‘Cause I’m broken

Down to nothing

But I’m still holding on to the one thing

You are God

And You are strong when I am weak

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength

And I don’t have to be strong enough

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength

And I don’t have to be

Strong enough, strong enough

Oh yeah

I know I’m not strong enough to be

Everything that I’m supposed to be

I give up, I’m not strong enough

Hands of mercy won’t You cover me?

Lord, right now I’m asking You to be

Strong enough, strong enough, strong enough

This song hit me. And while it's still something I'm challenged with everyday, I know I don't HAVE to be strong enough. God has told us that He will be strong enough. If we ask Him, He will take care of us.  So as I've gone through being sick in the hospital, or moving to Florida and not feeling at home, I've held onto one thing, God is strong enough for the both of us. I've spent many nights on my knees here in St. Augustine just to clear my head, tell me how to handle this, and what to do. While I still struggle with exactly what He's saying i keep my ears and eyes open to His teaching throughout the day. Even on the worst of days, I have hope still. 

Just some thoughts to hang your hat on.

Love Sarah. 

I didn't want to do this but...

I am going to at the risk of sounding whiny and complain-y. Here's what's going on:

1. There are rats in Florida. I can't say I thought about it before, but there generally aren't rats in Missouri. Mice, yes, rats, no.  These rats are fine where they are as long as they aren't in my walls. Yes, there are rats in my walls. I hear them at night, which is also fine and something I can live with, until they die. These rats die and leave the worst smell you could ever imagine. The smell of rotting flesh. This smell eked into my closet, and now all of my clothes smell like rotting rat. Solved the problem though, I just moved them into the other closet. Also, rats live in palm trees. Surprise, surprise. Don't look up.

2) Large cockroaches. I believe they call them Palmetto bugs here. However they are just LARGE, hissing cockroaches that somehow find their way in. Today I smashed one on the counter of all places. After screaming bloody murder (yeah I never thought I was one of those girls) I smashed it with my shoe. Then I made a long walk out to the dumpster incase it decided to come back alive.

3) The program here is great. However I feel like I'm doing nothing but busy work, like in highschool. Now I know this was one of every reviewers warnings so I shouldn't have been surprised but I just feel like I'm back in highschool. Along with that comes clique-y girls, standoff-ish boys, and the lack of welcoming clubs. There is no co-mingling in the dorms, and I am not even allowed in the girls dorm because I'm an "off-campus-er". I love the education professors, but everyone else seems to be teaching at a 9th grade level.

4) No one uses their blinker. If you know me, that's enough said about that.

5) I miss my environment. I miss being able to sit in the living room and watch tv/do homework. I miss the hustle and bustle of my house (or anyone for that matter). I'm used to seeing more people (and yes, I do go to club meetings and sit on campus).

6) Doing my practicum here is different because of the different state of the public school systems in Florida. The Sunshine Standards ARE like the MoStep Standard, however it'll take some getting used to.

7) People generally are not friendly. I'm not just saying that. I've spoken with two other freshman girls who agree. People aren't like this any other place than Flagler College. Like I'll introduce myself, and they will not. It's like they don't mean to be rude, but they are. There is also not a place where they post times or locations of clubs. And there are no weekend activities.

8) People don't eat around here. Not like the Carollos do. Also I've had SO MANY people I DON'T KNOW comment on how much I eat. Like at restaurants and when I'm out with Mary's friends.

9) The Hyppo has been closed since I've been here.

10) Someone offered me a job in the theatre and then said "never mind". Not a big deal, just something I would NEVER do to someone. I was greatly upset about it, too.

11) Mold. Moldy school, moldy houses, moldy buildings, moldy air. If there is not mold however, there are wildfires--yay lungs!

12) No snow.

13) Sand in your car.

Things I love about Flagler College

1) St. Augustine is really beautiful. I love driving over Valano bridge and seeing all of Anastasia island.

2) I love giving tourists directions.

3) It's pretty.

4) We get to have class outside in the middle of February.

5) No snow.

6) I like being independent.

7) Walking to class is exercise.

8) Mary and Pete

9) The beach is wonderful. Just awesome.

I only did this for myself. I probably shouldn't post it. It's just me being whiny and I am SO LUCKY to be here, to be alive and have this opportunity. I am perfectly fine with staying here the semester, but there are just good days and bad days. For everyone. Obviously the dislikes outweigh the likes so there are more bad days than good. This is making me tough though. I have no regrets. Life is too short to regret. "Be proud of the things we are ashamed of".

Love you all, I'll see you in 70 days.

Sarah

Who's that girl?

So, things are all the same here basically.  Still making lots of mistakes, but I don't think we ever really grow out of that.

Today I had Elementary Reading. I love that class and that professor.  She's very inspiring and makes me feel semi normal.

Tonight I'll either go to Flagler College Dinner at United Methodist or to a charity dinner for Big Brothers/Big Sisters. Either way I'll miss my shows. Sad!

Anyway, just a short update. The day is not over.

Muddled Thoughts--As Usual.

I never realized how much fear really does effect our lives. Everyday almost every choice we make based on our level of fear. We place it aside to take chances, we let it hold us back, we live through it daily, we embrace it. Fear holds us back, it keeps us going.

As I make cupcakes I debate whether I should add more butter because some of it might have melted when i was trying to defrost it and not made it in. Did I just put two eggs in or three? These fears that I've done something wrong drive me to either fix it or just go with it. I just went with it.

The fear we've made a mistake is the biggest we have. With the lingering possibility of mistakes at every turn we are cautious at everything we do.  We're afraid to walk off the path because it might lead to something we regret.

Mistakes, however, let us know what we do not want, what we should not do, and what is not right for us. Without knowing what is wrong we cannot know what is right. That's why teachers circle our mistakes, why mothers correct our misbehaviors, and God directs us another way when we are down. It's hard for us to really let sink in that NO mistake is unfixable. No sin is unforgivable, and nothing is finished unless you let it be.

Mistakes are for those who have regrets.