It's Not Stupidity. It's hope.

The point of growing up is to become as independent as possible, right? I don't think so.


The point of growing up is to become as realistic as possible, right? Hmm, noope.


The point of growing up is to become as tough as possible, right? No.


These things that we're taught are 'right' about growing up don't fit a round hole like we think they should. While normally these three characteristics are the normal outcomes of growing up, they aren't necessarily the point. I know that I aspire to be loving, dependent on God, and kind hearted everyday. 
 It is so hard for me to be away from my friends and  family. Harder than anything I've ever experienced. I am so dependent upon them. While I see this can become a bad thing, it's really not all bad. I've learned for sure that I value family and friends so much. And just because I chose family over logic doesn't mean I'm wrong. Logic has little place in the heart. 


If you know me at all, you know it's a struggle for me to do day to day things, like remember to switch over the laundry, remember to put my dishes away after I use them, and remember just to perhaps look in the mirror before I walk out the door. I am forgetful and in no way am I on top of things. I would forget my head if it wasn't attached. My friends from Longview spent most of the time telling me, "don't forget your purse, Sarah," and while it was concerning when people around campus could recognize my purse and return it to me, it was funny and gave me some hope for humanity. So do I believe realism is important? Yes, I strive everyday to stay real in my thinking, but as a creative and wondering person it's hard not to be a hopeless romantic in my life. I try and try with my friends. I never stop trying to mend relationships and never give up on old ideas (Like Flour Power!). While I mostly just love expressing my ideas to others and inspiring others, I've learned that silence sometimes is a good option. I don't have many people to talk with here and most of them are very unlike me. I've learned to bite my tongue slightly but never forget my passion for all things expressive. So I've got these romantic ideas about humanity and life in general but what do I do with them? I'm not exactly sure, but I know I am not less of a person because maybe my idea isn't as real as others. So am I trying and trying at things of the romantic nature and getting no response? Yes, but I hope that one day those people that I continue to bug will see that I have the best intentions, and I never gave up on them, just as God never gives up on us.

I am not strong. Nor do I have to learn to be. God will be my strength. God moves us to find strength in Him and not ourselves. This year God has spent some time teaching me this. When I first was driving to the hospital last September with my mother I knew I only had two feelings. Fear and disappointment. I kept telling myself, "I can do this. Sarah, you CAN do this," over and over, the more I said it the more scared I became. While driving home from the hospital I felt this same feeling. I wasn't out of the woods yet and still had a PICC line. I was shaking with more fear and as I was telling myself, "I can't do this," a song came on the radio. It was "Strong Enough" by Matthew West. The song goes like this: 




You must, You must think I’m strong
To give me what I’m going through
Well forgive me, forgive me if I’m wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own
I know I’m not strong enough to be

Everything that I’m supposed to be

I give up, I’m not strong enough

Hands of mercy won’t You cover me?

Lord, right now I’m asking You to be

Strong enough, strong enough

For the both of us

Well maybe, maybe that’s the point

To reach the point of giving up

‘Cause when I’m finally, finally at rock bottom

That’s when I start looking up

And reaching out

I know I’m not strong enough to be

Everything that I’m supposed to be

I give up, I’m not strong enough

Hands of mercy won’t You cover me?

Lord, right now I’m asking You to be

Strong enough, strong enough

‘Cause I’m broken

Down to nothing

But I’m still holding on to the one thing

You are God

And You are strong when I am weak

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength

And I don’t have to be strong enough

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength

And I don’t have to be

Strong enough, strong enough

Oh yeah

I know I’m not strong enough to be

Everything that I’m supposed to be

I give up, I’m not strong enough

Hands of mercy won’t You cover me?

Lord, right now I’m asking You to be

Strong enough, strong enough, strong enough

This song hit me. And while it's still something I'm challenged with everyday, I know I don't HAVE to be strong enough. God has told us that He will be strong enough. If we ask Him, He will take care of us.  So as I've gone through being sick in the hospital, or moving to Florida and not feeling at home, I've held onto one thing, God is strong enough for the both of us. I've spent many nights on my knees here in St. Augustine just to clear my head, tell me how to handle this, and what to do. While I still struggle with exactly what He's saying i keep my ears and eyes open to His teaching throughout the day. Even on the worst of days, I have hope still. 

Just some thoughts to hang your hat on.

Love Sarah.